がっかりしてた。

自分にがっかりしてた。あなたにも。

私の世界に住みつづいたら、どんなめちゃくちゃな世界になるかな。

出かけなさい。今すぐ。元の世界を私に返してください。邪魔させない、絶対に。

Permanent head Damage

“私に「お誕生日おめでとう」を祝います！二十一歳からは新しい始めに！幸せになろう、きっとまた日本にくる！楽しかった！それで、試験も合格し、PhDの勉強ができる。”

と望んだ。

Thinking back on what I wished for on my 21st birthday last year makes me want to fly back to Japan, Kyoto, to Fushimi Inari Shrine and erase the last sentence off that Kitsune (Fox) plaque. (Ok the last sentence is somewhere along the lines of passing my exams well and be able to study PhD)

Unfortunately, that shrine is cursed (in a good way). Ever since I came back from Japan, my motivation for studying melted like snowflakes on tongue.  As students, we tend to live in a little academic bubble, where we see only one objective at a time. It’s like jumping to the ‘discussion’ section of your report without first defining the aims and objectives – you end up writing a 30 page report (when it should have been ~10) and getting a ‘D’ for it. Slap yourself once if you wondered why, thrice if you think you should have written 50 pages.

Have you heard of a really cool spectacles called ‘The Glasses of Life’? The wearer gets to see life in a big picture. I happen to own one of these occasionally :) Normal students would aim for As in exams, then for a Bachelor’s degree, then an (Hon), then MSc, then PhD, I suppose? I wonder why was I so caught up with the ‘PhD’ thing previously. I’m not ‘normal’ am I?!  My life goals: Be happy. Live in Japan. Make my kids (if any) violin/piano prodigies. Question: Do you need a PhD to achieve your life goals? Ahh. Who am I lying to? I hate research. It practically bores the living hell out of anyone. 87% of zombies excavated in the world have been identified to be in the academia profession before death. No wonder they’re always wanting to eat ‘Brains’, since they have none that is functioning properly left. Permanent head Damage is the best parodied acronym to ever relate to its original. Is it worth trading 3 years of your whatever youth remaining for something you don’t appreciate doing?

Geesh, I’m seriously torn. I’m practically begging for a chance to live overseas for some years, no matter what I’m going to be doing. And I know the consequences of not jumping on the PhD wagon. I won’t be able to teach at uni level next time, going to be disappointing some people, and get the world to think I’m crazy (again. Previous time was when I chose to go to SP after getting 7 points for my O levels. And nowadays it isn’t that big a deal anymore, tch). Three years all to myself isn’t such a bad idea right? I have it all planned out in my head, and revise it before I go to bed every night (yes yes see previous blog post and it was surprisingly very accurate).

I can cook what I feel like eating, be in charge of buying my own groceries, no more bread for breakfast, no more rice for dinner, both of which I’m sick of, no more 35 degrees Celsius of stickingly hot weather, I can play my violin the whole day, study Japanese, meet foreigners (nihonjin!), wear autumn/winter clothes and not be ridiculed at, take a break from Singaporeans (and the ever retarded public transport), jog or drive along the most picturesque coastal lines, go bungee jumping, play with my DSLR with breathtaking landscapes to shoot, and most importantly, good riddance to my parent’s son. Of course I’d miss my grandparents and friends but – I need a different life. At least for a while.

So, the best thing is that I won’t have to decide for anything. Maybe I won’t get approved of a scholarship because my final semester’s grades suck. Or I screwed up my FYP and Prof. Goh decides to stop me from doing a PhD at all cost. Or I struck lottery right after graduation and will be moving to a  villa in Zimbabwe for the rest of my life. Or my violin skills become Paganini-like overnight and I end up being a professional violinist. Or someone handsome, rich, tall and smart proposes to me and I get married happily ever after without having to go through the PhD shit. Or Prof. Archer says I can teach at Massey without having a PhD. Ok. Who am I kidding? (From the striking lottery point onwards). Need to fix an appointment with Guanyinma again for consultation.

Que sera sera.

行くへ不明

Not to be mixed up with tired or destructive, you are a confused person who just can’t seem to make up your mind. You really do like certain aspects of life, but you tend to focus on the negative. You like to try and occupy yourself, using projects, new ideas, things to do to fill up your time and avoid what’s bothering you… After all, you get plenty of time to think about that before you go to bed. There are just certain things that bother you, maybe past experiences, dread of what the future holds, maybe it’s just the place you are right now… You like to stick youself to something and apply what you’ve got as far as talents for it, though sometimes when it gets rough, you drop it and go on to something new, sporadically. You dislike most challenges and obstacles you deem unnecessary. You either give up far to easily, or keep going on even though you know it’s not going to work. You enjoy the more artistic forms of life; be it painting and sculpting, to music and writing. You are very smart, though sometimes have trouble believing it. . . You have a hard time with self worth, though people recognise your talents every day. Live it up, you’ll find the clearing through the mist.

本当に迷子になちゃったみたいですね～ここからどこへ行くのはまだナゾだな。後悔したくないけど、いちよう新しい経験になる、どこの道も。でも私はそんなに簡単に諦める人じゃないよ。。卒業あと、きっと新しい人生を始まる。ファイット！